The lost generation of women!!

Traditional, foolish, and religious women are the most annoying tribe of women. Before you get married they can not accept the fact that you are happy with your single life. You are not bothering of your age, your look, size, dress is their problem. If you say you are still happy being fat and nobody defines your life is their problem. They will give lectures on how men think about women, how to woo a man and what should impress them. It is truely said by Simone de Beauvoir that unlike the Black or Jews, the tie of women to their oppressor is different. They can never dream of exterminating their oppressor the male. Like the Black or Jews dream to massacre their oppressor and turning all of humanity entirely Black or entirely Jews. Women unlike the caste system do not have their own, class, platform and group. We are what we are bind to a man and till today women in corporate and high profile job can not escape of basic need of surviving as a human but not as  a womb, uterus and other female organ. We are so deeply attached to our organs and how we will end our identity by losing them one day by our age or disease. When I was not married everyone was unhappy that I was happy being unmarried in 30's. Going to a social gathering with such people was a pain in the ass, even taking a call a pain in both ass and ear. When you will get married, anyone in target? Target ?? Wealth, money, honey, security and a baby ?? Well is it something we could not earn being a woman but not by becoming someone's slave? I had to dream to get married to the man of my choice but all for love and companion. When I don't like someone, I can't marry his money! The face matters to me a lot. I can not hug a monkey alike just because the building behind him w as shinning juts like his bold head. I'm not joking at the looks of a person but some women bargain or sell their desire, love and companionship for a better money, big house and garden. I preferred to die waiting for the one I love, to live alone, to awake whole night writing some pathetic love notes about the lost lovers but I could not sleep with a man for his money and building. This is the basic problem women in our generation even after getting a higher education can not chip in their mind.

Before marriage I don't want to pick their phone for asking the same question, now after marriage I don't want to pick my call because they will call to ask whether my uterus is functioning or it is defunct with my age. Oh I do not want to give tension to them worrying about my life without a baby, oh social stigma...well this is where I want to say, their ladies please get a life. Become a whore for a day and live your life!! The goodness of being a mother, dutiful wife, girlfriend or faithful slave to your men has made you a psycho!! Those who are living a life of their own are your problem. I married to the man I love but not to become his advertising agency by putting his name in my surname, wearing those bullshit Bindi-chudi and fasting on Karva Chough.

No one knows better about love and relationship than a woman who knows the privacy of their life and how to respect that. My personal life is not for sale in facebook and yes my family planning will never be national news so stop bothering about one's life. There is life after marriage, enjoy it!! 

Yet Again I failed terribly!!

I have given everything I could to achieve the love in his heart. I have learned to enjoy this life with the bitter truths which I can not accept as mine. But to be with him, to make him happy and to get his love. Yet again I failed badly in this examination of my life. I never wanted to see his unhappy face but everyday I'm living with a face of with so much of regret just because of me. Till today, I have done nothing to embrace my selfishness but to give everything to whoever I have loved. This wicked heart is always at fault. It can never understood what I'm going through. I'm tired of this journey of life living without accepted. What all I wish was seeing the smiles in his face but I'm failed again badly. I never thought I could be a cruel face for somebody and I will be letting someone tolerate me just because he promised to be with me. That's not all I have ever asked for. Why did not I have the courage to let him go and make him happy without me. If he would be happy without me, then why I force him to spend this life with me. I never thought I was doing the most selfish thing to him. Whoever he is he has the right to choose someone to bring a smile in his face. Whatever I'm doing for him I know even someone else can do except that love would never spring between us. I have to accept this fact that yet again I failed in love. I have to accept this I don't deserve to be loved except the mercy of someone. I thought he was being cruel to me at times but its his frustration which vent out me.

Life is too short. I have walked this life without anyone to support me. I want to be in love, I want him to see the magic in my eyes which will make him forget the world but yet again I fail terribly to make him feel the love. And I can not force him to be in love with me when his heart says no to it. I know things have gone beyond his control and his every word is hurting me everyday. I could no longer sense those crazy intense emotions in his eyes. Everything has turned to just a mechanical relationship. We are living under a roof with so many compromises, with so many expectations and a past which we tried to hold hard to make the present a place to survive.

Yet again I failed!! With this note I wanted to accept this, no one can love me without judgment, without a price and without a condition. Everything will go someday so as the love I'm holding too tightly today. With this defeat I will fade a goodbye to dream further in this lifetime to be in love again with anything and anyone. I'm tired of this failure. I gave everything in life just to feel the heartbeat of a lover, to see the crazy emotions in his eyes. Yet again I failed terribly to make him fall in love with me.   

A night awaken in ecstasy!!

How would I forget that night which will not come back in this lifetime!! The moon was hiding in the dark cloud because she doesn't want to show us to the rest of the world. She wants us alone, only two of us and there was nothing to disturb except the gasp of our breath. Even the stars are gone along with wind for that night to leave us all alone. I knew that the night was ending soon and I will be leaving you behind all alone and never to meet again. My heart was weeping silently without even letting you know. I did not want to waste that moment by nursing a broken heart. We have so many questions and we know we can not stop each other to move on from that moment. Life goes on and we are today far apart and just being in our heart. Every moment I feel that you would be behind me to cheer for me whenever I'm alone. I do not know why you came in my mind always but I stop asking questions now. I accepted the fact that you will live with me, in my heart, in my soul and in my memories throughout this life. You know these days I want to be upset, depressed and cry so that I could easily be with you. I know you would come in my thoughts and dreams to weep my tears, to whisper in my ears saying that I'm the most beautiful woman in your life. You would come slowly to play with my falling hairs and caress me with your fingers saying that everything is alright. You would say again you never missed me because I'm always in your heart.
It's tough to let you know how difficult it is to move on, to force myself to be in love with something which I can not. The world is cruel and now I'm cruel to myself. I wish I was selfish enough to snatch you from the world around you. I wasn't wise enough to embrace you in my arms and make you sleep to forget the rest of the world. I wish I was a magician to make you blind and create a world where you can see except me. Oh!! Everything is gone!! Not yet, I said to myself till the heartbeats in my body stops beating, till the moment you will say you will forget me for the rest of my life.

I do not know what I want from this life now. But I know what makes me smile. That's all it matters to me now. You bring me back those lost rhythms of life. I know life is not cruel as I always thought but it's complexity always excites me and leave me with so many puzzles. I'm not unhappy but I know my soul is not satisfied. I  do not know why I met you at a moment when I have to leave. I also do not know why I had to leave you when I know I will be happy with you. I never wanted to be praised as a good woman then why I always suffered to see the goddess in me? It is sad I tend to forget always Goddess are meant to be prayed after the death of their soul and they are the one who left the joy of living. Then Why I attempt to be one of them?

Every night is passing with nothingness, thought of longing to an empty dream where I'm alone without you. For once and for all I wanted to be crushed, be with you once and rest in ecstasy....